


our history writ in blood

by nuclearmuffins



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Blood Magic, Character Study, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, I think?, Jowan POV, Jowan appreciation club, Male-Female Friendship, Mentions of Surana/Alistair, Past Surana/Amell Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25388716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuclearmuffins/pseuds/nuclearmuffins
Summary: Scenes from a friendship - Aliena Surana and Jowan.
Relationships: Jowan & Female Surana (Dragon Age)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	1. when someone great is gone

Jowan choked on his spoonful of cornmeal before Petra even finished her sentence.

He felt his face going red, his throat burning. Without missing a beat and barely glancing up from his book, Eadric grabbed the jug off the table, pouring a long stream into an empty cup sitting nearby and slid it over to him. He barely remembered to wheeze a “thanks” in between the coughing and the gravity of what Petra had just told him. The chill of the water stung his throat, but it did its job as his breathing returned to something resembling normal.

His chest still ached, but it had been doing that for a while now; it wasn’t just the choking that had caused it. But his mouth remained slack and open, his eyes felt like they were going to bulge out of his head while he struggled to unscramble his thoughts to understand what he had just heard from Petra. “You’re sure?” his voice came out scratched and raw. He coughed again to clear his throat before going to seek another affirmation. “You didn’t hear wrong?”

Petra shook her head with a frown, looking more dejected than Jowan had ever seen the normally cheerful girl. “I heard it from Nora this morning.” Her shoulders drooped and her posture sagged. He’d feel the same, if his mind was working. As it was, the words echoed strangely instead. “Alim went to the First Enchanter last night and requested to be made Tranquil. He’s going through the Rite a week from now, and nothing Neria or Kinnon said to him could change his mind.”

Eadric turned a page of his book, pointedly not looking at them while he spoke. “You really didn’t know? It’s all anyone in the dormitories can talk about.”

 _Nobody ever tells me anything,_ Jowan noted bitterly, taking another gulp of ice cold water and stabbing his porridge with his spoon. “I- just-” he searched for the words through the confused haze in his mind. “Making himself Tranquil… I… why? Why would he do that to himself?”

“You _know_ why, Jowan,” Eadric replied, gaze still pointed firmly on the page of his book. “Every apprentice has been on edge since… _what happened._ If _he_ failed, what does that mean for the rest of us?”

Out of the corner of his eye, Jowan saw Petra tense up. Eadric didn’t need to fill in the details. It was practically all anyone could talk about these past few days: nobody thought it could happen, after all. Robin was easily one of the First Enchanter’s best apprentices, one of the most talented people to walk in Kinloch’s halls, but he had left the Harrowing chamber not as a full-fledged mage of the Circle, but carried out limp and lifeless in a templar’s arms. How terrible was the Harrowing if Irving’s best apprentice failed it?

Nevertheless, he wanted to snort derisively but stopped himself before any sound left him. He couldn’t imagine throwing away his emotions like that, his capacity to love, to feel, to wish, to dream. “But it’s just such a waste! To get rid of yourself like that… I wouldn’t be able to do it.” Alim, maybe. But _he_ had someone to live for. At least.

“The Tranquil live comfortable lives, even without magic or emotions. It’s better than _death_ , in any case,” Eadric responded. “And sometimes it’s not a matter of _wanting_ to do it. Some people have that decision made for them. You wonder why your Harro- _ow! Petra!”_

When he turned his head, Jowan saw Petra casting a dirty look at the elven apprentice. She’d probably aimed a kick at Eadric from under the table, but even with his sentence interrupted, Jowan knew exactly he was likely to say. He might not be as sharp as the other apprentices, but he wasn’t _deaf._ He knew exactly what they said about him - dull-witted, slow at everything, the apprentice most likely to fail the Harrowing. His Harrowing had been delayed so many times that sometimes he doubted it was ever going to happen.

His stomach turned, the taste in his mouth suddenly rancid. He found he no longer had the appetite for his breakfast. He pushed his chair away from the table, getting to his feet.

“Where are you going, Jowan? You haven’t finished your porridge!” Petra called after him.

“The dormitories!” he called back, an answer by itself. Only one of them was gone for good, but three seats were empty. Robin’s usual seat had been cleared then draped in his old robe, as if pretending he was still occupying it. Now he knew the reason for Alim’s disappearance from the table. And, well, the third… _she’d_ been closer to Robin than the rest of them combined, and she hadn’t left her bed in days. He hadn’t much hope of her state changing, but he still had to be there for her. He was her oldest friend. If not him, who else?

“Jowan, wait!”

When he turned back, Petra was looking over her shoulder. When the coast was clear, she plucked two bread rolls and an apple off a nearby tray, carefully wrapping them into a bundle and holding the result out for Jowan to take. “It’s for Aliena. I don’t think she’s even eaten since… it happened.”

He gingerly took it in his hands, feeling the weight on top of his palms. “I’ll try. But I don’t know if she even wants anything.”

Petra let out a sigh. “She’ll come out of it, eventually. She’s one of the strongest people I know. But for now… I think all we can do is hope.”

 _Fat lot of good hope did for Robin Amell,_ Jowan thought sourly as he left, casting one last look on the robe still draped over the empty chair. _Fat lot of good hope will do for me._

Jowan was careful not to jostle the contents of the food bundle as he made his way down the narrow, winding stairs, carefully descending all the damned steps of this too-tall tower. At least no one had a ‘mishap’ with a grease spell; not today, anyhow. The last prank led to two sprained ankles and a broken arm.

The hallways and dormitories were mostly empty; most of the apprentices had scattered already for lessons with their mentors. But there had been one constant these past few days here, like she was haunting the room. With a breath of relief, Jowan saw she had managed to pull herself up into a sitting position instead of lying down with the covers over the head like the previous few days. _Maybe she’s finally coming back to normal._

“Lee?” the childish nickname slid easily out of his lips. With it, it brought back old memories - what, twelve years ago, when he’d only been in the Circle for maybe a year, meeting a scared elven girl with a name too big for her tiny frame.

No answer. But as Jowan drew closer, he could hear the turning of pages as he realized Aliena had a book open in front of her, frantically flipping the pages, nearly tearing them clean away from the spine in her frenzy. When he was close enough he hovered over her, he could see the writing on the page in Robin’s messy scrawl. _His notes,_ Jowan guessed.

“Petra had me bring some food for you,” Jowan tried to start. “Everyone’s worried about you, you know.”

Aliena didn’t look up, but grunted in acknowledgement of his presence. Her hair was down - a massive, charcoal-coloured knee-length mass out of her typical braid, hiding her like a cloak. More frantic flipping. There were so many pages, filled header to footer with cramped letters, and she was going through the pages so fast he doubted she could even see what was written.

"What are you looking for in there?" he asked, the slight shaking of his voice betraying his nervousness. Aliena seemed utterly consumed by what she was doing, and while he was glad she wasn't just lying in bed without moving anymore, his stomach was doing somersaults seeing her nearly crazed like this. He set down the food parcel on the bed, questioning if he should sit beside her or not.

"He did something wrong. He had to. He wrote down something the First Enchanter said wrong, or…" Aliena flipped back and forth, ice blue eyes darting over the page, wild and obsessed. “Something has to be missing here, I just know it.”

He felt a knot freeze in his stomach. Should he stop her before she hurt herself or destroyed the entire book? _Maybe her destroying the book would be better than watching her like this..._

“You’re thinking about this too much. Why don’t you take a break?” he offered, even as he wanted to squirm. Was he doing this wrong? Would he just drive her to more desperation?

“No,” she shook her head, gnawing on a fingernail as she flipped another page, obsessively scanning every line. “The answer is here. It has to be. All I have to do is find it.”

He couldn’t even say this wasn’t much like her. He’d seen her studying to the brink of collapse day-in, day-out for whatever assignments the First Enchanter had given her that day. But seeing her like this… _crazed. Obsessed. Mad with grief and exhaustion and Maker knows what else._ “You’ve been at it for hours,” he guessed. “Just put the book down and eat something? You’ll feel better if you do.”

“Oh, for the Maker’s sake! Don’t _Jowan_ me!” Aliena snapped, before burying her face in her hands. Her body began to wrack with sobs.

 _Oh shit._ He really hadn’t prepared for this, and now he had no idea what to do. Should he wait until her tears had dried? Would it be too callous to leave and come back later? He wasn’t entirely sure if he tried to hug her, if he would get punched or not. _But this isn’t like her… I have to_ try.

He was slow and hesitating as he moved to sit on the bed, awkwardly reaching out for her. The narrow apprentice’s cot wasn’t really built to bear the weight of two bodies, but Aliena was small even for an elf and Jowan not that large himself, so he could squeeze himself next to her on the lumpy mattress as he closed the book with one hand and brought the other around her shoulders. Relief coursed through him as she wordlessly folded her small weight against his. He wrapped himself protectively over her - one knee against her back, the other knocking against her own knees, holding her tightly to him. She leant into him as he felt a hot tear seep through his robes to his skin, and felt her flat palms curl into fists against his chest, a hint of herself breaking through her grief. _It’s still her in there. It’s the same Lee you know._

Jowan didn’t move an inch. He couldn’t, not while his best, oldest friend lay shattered in his arms, lost to memories of the Harrowing. In all the years he’d known her, he had never seen her like that, to be utterly _consumed_ by devastation, maybe because there had been nothing to bring her to that state before. Apprentices died every year during the Harrowing, but it had never been someone they really _knew_ , much less someone they thought was invincible.

He’d been with her when it happened, waiting outside the chamber for Robin’s Harrowing to finish. He’d never been as close to Robin as she was - he was _her_ friend more than Jowan’s - but Aliena had wanted him there, and he couldn’t say no to her.

_“Lee, I don’t think we’re supposed to be here-” His fingernails were stubs. He hadn’t done particularly great on a test devised by his own mentor just a few hours ago, and Aliena’s Harrowing lined up right after Robin’s did nothing to calm his nerves._

_“Oh, hush,” Aliena silenced him with a wave. “They won’t hear us, and we’ll get out before it finishes so we can surprise him.”_

_“What would we surprise him_ with? _Our thrilling interpretation of the gavotte where you trod on my feet for three whole minutes?”_

_“Jowan, please. What are we, Orlesians? We’d dance the Remigold.”_

_None of them had ever voiced any idea that the outcome would be anything but positive. They had been convinced, both of them, that nothing could go wrong, because Robin Amell was the prized apprentice of Kinloch Hold, Irving’s best pupil, tied with his other star, Aliena Surana. None of them had expected what came afterward, but then the door burst open._

_Then the first templar had come out of the chamber holding the bloody sword._

_The hall had been filled with the sound of her screaming. All of a sudden everything erupted: templars trying to haul the wailing girl away from the scene, Aliena pushing her way over to his lifeless form, the First Enchanter holding her back-_

_Strangely, most of all Jowan just wanted to laugh. There was no way this could be happening. It was impossible. There was no way that brilliant Robin Amell, the best apprentice in the tower, could have died in the Harrowing; no way that Irving’s best student could have ended up like this. Robin, who was always better, the_ best _. He’d been better at the four schools of magic, better with girls, always able to charm the teachers, better than Jowan in every way..._

Curse the Maker for giving him one set of gifts while wiring his brain for another. He’d been at the Circle just as long, even _longer_ than Aliena and Robin, but while they sped through their studies and everything about magic just _clicked_ for them, he had been left in the dust. Arrange the words this way, demonstrate them another, but for him they had never truly made sense.

He supposed he was… _jealous_ of Robin. Jowan had known Aliena from the first day she’d been in the Circle when she’d been a string bean with scraggly hair and an inch of dirt on her skin. Despite that, it was Robin who had given her a new nickname, swept her right off her feet, and shared with her knowledge Jowan would have never been able to give to her. They had never stopped being friends, but Jowan had watched Aliena almost disappear away from him. It had all been so much simpler when it had just been the two of them giggling over basic spell diagrams while Wynne tried to bring them back to attention. But for Aliena the lessons had snapped so cleanly into place while he lagged behind. Eventually she’d left him behind for the First Enchanter’s tutelage, something he would never be able to achieve like she could. She left him behind for _him_.

But now Jowan was still here, and Robin was ash scattered to the wind.

When she finally spoke again, her breath was hot over the inch of bare skin peeking over his collar. “I keep wanting to turn things back. I keep wanting to _see_ what he did wrong, I just- I just want to _know._ I just want to… _fuck,_ ” she gulped a mouthful of tears and bile and snot down, ending with a caustic, barking laugh. “He told me he would pass in no time flat. He told me, and I believed him, but… he knew just as much as me, I suppose. _Nothing._ ”

His stomach tensed, not knowing what to say in response. _What are you good for, if you can’t even say a word to help your best friend when she’s breaking down in front of you?_ All he could do was hold on tighter, head nodding against hers to show he was still listening, waiting for her to say something to fill the silence where he couldn’t.

She was silent except for the sniffling, face still pressed into his clothes. When she finally spoke again, he could barely make out her words. “Promise you won’t leave me too, Jowan. Promise y-you…” she gulped, her voice fogged by a streak of tears as she clung tighter to him. “Promise you won’t leave me like he did. I can’t- I can’t lose you too. To the damned Harrowing or tranquility.”

His grip of her slackened. He didn’t like this. He didn’t like promises he didn’t know if he would be able to keep. “Lee, I-” He pushed the few words through his bone-dry throat.

“ _Promise!_ ”

Aliena came away from his chest to look into his eyes with her own. _Maker’s breath,_ her eyes. When he’d first met her, they were a startlingly deep blue, but through the years he’d watched them grow paler and paler, and now the sharp, cool tone they took on pierced him exactly as an icicle right through his chest would. He gulped. She wouldn’t be taking no for an answer, he knew that. For all Aliena complained of being useless at fire spells, he’d always thought she’d had a stomach full of that element.

Something twinged at him. No - this was the wrong time for envy to take root in him, not when he should be there for her. But parting was always probably going to be their fate. She was going to be an Enchanter beyond parallel, and here was where he’d always stay - lost, drifting, confused.

_No. You can’t fail her now, not when she needs you._

He gulped down his doubts and nodded. "I promise."

Finally satisfied, Aliena took his hand and _squeezed._ He’d forgotten just how tight of a grasp she had for someone so small, her frozen fingers sending a quiver down his spine. “ _Good_. Maker knows what I’d do without you.”

When he left the dormitory thirty minutes later, even though he’d seen to it that Aliena had at least cheered up some and ate a few bites of bread, he was in a darker mood than when he had arrived. He’d promised Aliena she wouldn’t lose him to the Harrowing or tranquility, but what Eadric had said even before that tossed over and over in his head. _If he failed, what does that mean for the rest of us? Did I just make a promise I have no way of keeping?_

His thoughts distracted him, a mask over his senses so he couldn’t detect a soft, nimble-fingered hand catching around his wrist before it pulled him close as he yelped in surprise.

“Lily-” he started with the name of the only person it could have been, but his words were cut off as she tip-toed to reach his lips. Not for the first time even today, he marvelled at how lucky he was with her, that she’d taken notice of someone like him, with the forbidden nature of it all. The shock turned into a smile as he leaned into her, holding onto this moment shared between the two of them.

She parted from him first - he’d never had the strength to pull away. “I missed you.”

Her smile was radiant, glowing like the sun… mm. That sounded a lot less cliche in his head, but he’d never been particularly good with words. “I did too. I always miss you, but…” he sighed. “This week seemed so long without you.”

"We've been praying for the apprentice who died. It's almost too awful to bear, isn't it?" Jowan felt her shudder against him. "But it is a comfort to know he'll finally find peace at the Maker's side."

He nodded and inhaled the scent of her hair, smelling like her namesake. Right now he just wanted to forget that anyone outside of them existed, that it was just the two of them in this world with nobody else around.

“I saw you with your friend in the dormitory. Aliena, isn’t it? The First Enchanter’s apprentice? Were the two of them close?”

“I hardly ever saw the two of them apart,” he answered, not really wanting to talk about anything. He just wanted to hold her. “She didn’t take it well, but I think she might finally be getting better.”

She shivered in his embrace, even as he could feel her warmth. “I couldn’t imagine going through that, that poor girl.”

“I’ll make sure you never have to.”

Yes. That was a promise he _knew_ he could keep, because the Maker himself would have to intervene before Jowan would be torn away from her. He’d find a way, he swore to himself. They’d find a way to be together, without the Chantry or its rules.

He pulled her in again - initiating for once - weaving his fingers into her hair as he brought their lips together. _I don’t care about what the Maker will think. But I hope you’ll forgive me for what I’m going to do._

* * *

The golden hairpin gleamed in his palm like a plea.

Lily might notice it was missing from her hair any second now. Hopefully she would just think it had fallen out of her hair, but still, it was as if holding it in his hand summoned her to stand next to him. He could hear her voice in his head as clearly as if she was in the room with him.

_Jowan, don’t do this. If you do there will be no turning back, there will be no stopping what this will make you-_

Guilt tossed in his stomach for what he had done - what he was _going_ to do, but he had no other choice. The templars made sure mages’ access to blades were restricted at all times. There was going to be no nicking of butter knives off the dinner table, or taking the knife used for chopping elfroot into chunks for potion-making and slipping it in his robes. But the pin was sharp, with a stinging point - easy to cut into the skin.

It hovered just right above his hand, dull light shining across its surface. He took a few deep, shuddering breaths, fighting the argument in his mind with words of his own.

_I’m doing this to be a better mage. It’s so we can have a future together, Lily and I. So I can keep my promise to Lee. The Chantry says it’s evil, but how much do they know? How much of what they tell us is pretty lies to keep us in line?_

_There will be no turning back from this, Jowan._

_But if Irving's best apprentice didn't stand a chance in the Harrowing, what does that mean for me?_

It stung when it bit into his skin. But nothing would sting more than losing himself to the Void of death… or tranquility. Just three drops onto the ground. Just that little amount was all it took.

It quaked in him, the sanguine almost _shouting_ to what felt like a long-dormant power dwelling within him. Giddy, almost drinking it in, he took a few deep inhales to settle the excitement at having successfully done it, for once in his life.

_So this is what power feels like._


	2. short and sweet to the soul i intend

If he could see himself just a year ago, Jowan doubted he would be able to recognize himself. So much had changed about him.

But then, so much had changed about the world.

The breath in his lungs was hot, panicked, frenzied. Adrenaline pumped through his veins, and he tried to channel that into the magic that had always eluded him. _One breath, two breath, three._

Nothing came.

Frustration pounded in his chest as he tried again. He couldn’t fail this time, not now. He had spent so much of his life running away from things. So much of his life spent as a coward. But now he had a chance to make another choice, and instead of running away, he was running _towards_ something. He had a second chance at life now, one he was sure he didn’t deserve, but he would use it to _make_ something of himself.

And he would start with defending these people, Maker help him, even as his heart threatened to beat out of his chest in between fearful breaths.

“Stay behind me!” he yelled to the terrified people behind him. “I’ll protect you!” _Stop thinking about how stupid that sounds and maybe it won’t actually be all that stupid of an idea._

They knew him as Master Levyn, a silly name from an equally silly source - the adventuring hero of one of the books Aliena had read to him when they were younger, breathlessly delighted with the thrill of adventure. Master Levyn had been fearless, effortlessly heroic, all the things Jowan knew he wasn’t.

But he could try to be. That’s all he had, trying. He remembered all the times where it hadn’t been enough, when it had been all too much and he had just given up instead of going on. But now trying had to be enough, with lives on the line.

_Aliena would never give up. What would she say? What would she do?_

Aliena had always said magic came to her like breathing - a long inhale of power, paired with a breathless exhale of Fade energy streaming out of her like cool air. Jowan had never been able to see it that way, as lost and hopeless as he was with magic, but he channelled her words as he struggled to pull the energy towards him. _Think of it like air in your lungs that you need it to survive._

He didn’t know if he had the right to use her words as power to draw on. He wasn’t sure what he had the right to, anymore. He’d wronged so many people, made so many mistakes… but he would right them all, here and now, if he still had the chance to.

He could barely hide his exhilarated laugh when the magic exited him as a fist of fire, but there was no time for amusement. Before he could give the darkspawn space to attack, Jowan slammed his makeshift staff on the ground, sending dirt and grass flying along with his spell. But there was barely time to register a giddy _I did it, I did it_ before the next attack came. He repeated the motions, fueled by his success, and pulled off another fireball. The swirling heat put a flush into his cheeks, but he kept on.

 _I’d barely recognize myself if I saw just a year ago,_ he thought. _A year spent on the run. What in the Void have I become?_

But even with his change, he’s still the same old Jowan, he noted bitterly. The fighting was starting to drain him, the magic in him slowly tapping itself out. He couldn’t keep this up forever, yet the horde seemed to go on and on.

 _Fwoom._ A shot of ice barely skimmed his cheek, flying past him to strike one of the larger ones directly in the chest. Before he knew it, he felt a rush of air as an armoured knight rushed past him. Blue-and-silverite bands. A griffon on the shoulder.

Wardens.

_Which means…_

He sucked in his breath, sharp. Somehow, everything always seemed to come back to her.

The fighting subsided, and weapons tucked themselves away. Jowan hesitantly lowered his staff, waiting for the recognition and realization to kick in on her end, and when it finally did, he heard the sound of a breath sucking in.

The silence stretched for a little too long. For a moment, Jowan half-expected her to raise her staff, or to command an attack from either of the people standing beside her. He wouldn’t be surprised, anyways. Given how their last meeting ended, he would expect no less, even if he had barely left with his life. He’d never known what it felt like to be _truly_ afraid of dying until then. The thought of it coming from _her_ hands was so unthinkable as to be completely absurd.

“You?” It’s the only thing he can say. It felt wrong not using her name, but it felt wrong being this distant from her anyways. _She was my best friend, once. Now look at us. Look at what we’ve become. All my fault, too - I ruined everything._

She inched a step forwards, and instinctively he backed away. “Please don't do anything to me,” he said hurriedly, holding his hands up in surrender, dropping his staff. “I've only been trying to help.”

One of the refugees he’d been protecting stepped forwards, voice steady even facing a Warden he’d just seen blast darkspawn right in the face with ice. “Don't be scaring good Master Levyn. He's saved us three times over!”

Her mouth opened, then fell slack, before she closed it again. He can’t believe what he’s seeing - her downcast expression, furrowed brows. Almost like… remorse. Was this really even the Aliena he knew?

The silence hung in the air between them, dead and cold. He wanted to say something, wanted _her_ to say something even more. But what could he do? What could make things better? He’d already tried, but what could he say that could fix what he’d done?

 _Useless. Useless,_ he cursed himself.

It was only for a few more moments, but Jowan could have sworn it could have lasted an eternity. None of her companions moved a muscle, even while he felt scrutinized. He recognized the tall warrior that had accompanied her when he had seen her last in Redcliffe, and a red-haired archer who made his heart pang with the thought of Lily. But when she finally spoke, he could swear her tone was… sorrowful. Mournful. _Mourning our friendship? Or pre-emptively mourning me before she ends my life?_ He would have expected anything, but - “Stay your current course, ‘ _Levyn’_. Redemption suits you.”

He nodded, the faintest of smiles creeping upon his face. “Th--thank you, Warden. I will. I swear to you.”

He turned away, knowing that if he kept walking, this would be the last time they would ever see each other. But a friendship that lasted that long, just… over. Finished. _Is this the ending we really deserve?_

It didn’t feel right. But perhaps it’s what _he_ deserved, after all his transgressions.

What he didn’t expect was her voice calling after him a scant few seconds later. “Jowan, wait!”

* * *

Jowan never knew how he ends up in these situations, but there he was, sitting around a roaring campfire with the strangest assortment of people he’d ever laid eyes upon. Not that he’d had much chance to see many strange people in his life in the tower, but he’d heard stories, and he was pretty sure “two Grey Wardens, an apostate, a Circle enchanter, two very scary rogues, a dwarf, and a northern giant” was the start of one of those terrible jokes Robin used to tell.

_Am I the punchline? “Useless blood mage everyone has their swords trained upon?”_

He wasn’t quite sure if that was the case, but he wouldn’t be surprised. He felt all their eyes trained on him in the cavernous silence, echoing and foreboding despite the trees they were surrounded by. The elf with the tattoo on his face polished a knife, eyes flicking between him and Aliena, like if she even signalled once he would be ready and willing to strike - at _him._

He looked fervently away, still sure the elf had his knife trained on him. The only familiar presences here were Aliena and Wynne - one friendship he’d ruined, the other had never been particularly close to to begin with. The older mage looked at him with a severe gaze in her eye, a dark glint that he didn't know how to interpret - as reprimanding, as surveying, as murderous; all he knew was that it didn't help his sense that he was _very much_ in trouble. Or would be if he stepped even one toe out of line.

Instead he fixed his eyes firmly onto Aliena. He shouldn’t have expected her to be the same person, but he was still surprised at the changes the months had rendered to her. She could never have been called _gentle_ , per se, but time had hardened her further. All the softness had left her body. He caught sharp angles in her hands, a hardness to her eyes, a stiffness to her posture that wasn’t there before. Like she was waiting for something in the night to strike.

That wasn’t even the biggest change, he realized with a jolt. “You cut your hair,” he stammered, realizing for the first time what was missing.

Aliena startled, her hand going to her hair. It was cut chin-length now, and loose, covering the sharp angle of her jaw. “You noticed,” she sighed, her fingers idling with the ends of a few loose strands. “It’s been months, but I keep forgetting. I keep trying to brush out the ends and all I end up doing is pawing the air.”

Jowan was almost too afraid to ask, but the day’s events fueled him with a strange sense of courage he’d never felt before. “Could I ask why? You just… always refused, before. When people tried to cut it, I mean.”

He noticed she couldn’t stop fiddling with the ends, a tic of the hands that she didn’t seem to realize she was even doing. “It was after going back to the tower and everything that happened in Redcliffe and I just… couldn’t stand the sight of it anymore. It was like seeing the same scared little girl I’d been every time I saw my reflection. So…” she gestured awkwardly at her hair. “I had it cut. Wynne was surprised, too. She thought I’d gone mad.”

With the mention of Redcliffe, Jowan grew silent. That had been the last time they had seen each other, after their only separation after more than a decade spent together. Neither of them spoke, observing the flames. Finally, it was her that said something - always her taking the initiative.

"I shouldn't have said those things to you," Aliena whispered, barely audible over the crackle of the fire. "In Redcliffe. What I said about you not deserving to know what happened to Lily, or how you couldn’t possibly make things right again. You’ve proved me wrong.”

“No, you were right. You’re always right. With everything I did, I deserved it,” Jowan watched the fire jump and hiss, embers glowing red-hot in the hearth. He couldn’t stop thinking about how much it reminded him of the colour of Lily’s hair, how he used to thread his fingers through the strands and think of how _properly_ wielding fire magic must feel like this. Plunging his hand through this fire would give him nothing but ugly burns, though. _Just what he deserved, for his betrayals, for his lies, for his crimes…_ “You had every right to.”

"No, I _didn’t,_ " Aliena said it so intently that Jowan had to force a gulp down his throat. "Stop making excuses for how awful I was. Even without that, you were my first friend. My _best_ friend. Even with everything I… shouldn't have been so _cruel."_

"You always did have a bit of a… mean streak," Jowan commented. When she raised an eyebrow, he felt compelled to elaborate. "Ruthlessness. You had to succeed, to prove yourself, even if you had to cut down everyone in your path to do it. There was nobody who could stop you, not even the Maker Himself.”

Aliena snorted. “Good to know I’ve always been a heartless bitch, then.”

"Not heartless. You just… had a funny way of showing your kindness.”

She snorted, but looked away, and Jowan saw the hint of a smile playing on the edge of her lips. By the time she looked back towards him it had gone away, but it had transferred ever so slightly to him.

Her eyes, with that curious light he knew so well flicked onto him again. “What do you think you’re going to do now? If- _when_ the Blight ends.”

“Can’t I keep doing what I’m already doing?”

She rolled her eyes, but there was something softer, less aggressive in the action. “You can’t save refugees from something that doesn’t exist anymore.”

“You’re sure you’re going to defeat this Blight, then?”

Aliena sat up straighter, puffing herself up. In this position, she looked a bit like a proud statue, immovable, implaccable. “Not the archdemon or an entire legion of his darkspawn could stop me, and you know it,” she declared. “And don’t think I didn’t notice you dodging the question.”

 _What would I do? The only thing I’m certain of._ It might sound stupid, but it was the only way. He took in a deep breath before he said, “I want to find out what happened to Lily. To find out if there’s a way to save her.”

Aliena furrowed her brows. “You know where they took her right? Aeonar is said to be impregnable. And even if you can get in…” she frowned, shuffling her feet against the ground. “I… don’t know if she’ll be that receptive to a rescue attempt made by you.”

“I have to, even if she hates me now. Of all the mistakes I’ve made… this is the one I _have_ to fix. And...” Jowan trailed off, not knowing how to continue. “And… I’d like you to come with me.”

For the second time in their lives, Jowan managed to stun Aliena into speechlessness. He watched her expression shift, her thoughts unknown even as the surprise was evident on her face. “I… don’t know if I can, Jowan,” she said, after a long silence. “We still have the Blight to fight, and… I think he’ll need me afterwards.”

He caught her gaze dart away from him. He followed it to her fellow Grey Warden, standing a few feet away from them with his hands held out to the fire. The other Grey Warden - a tall human with a sword and shield lying at his feet - caught her stare and shot her a grin, completely ignoring Jowan right next to her. Even with the murky expression on her face otherwise, she returned it just as warmly.

Jowan would recognize that sort of smile anywhere. “Oh.”

But she did another thing he didn’t expect - she took his hand, and grasped it so tight he felt like his fingers would come off. “But I promise you this - I will find a way to help you save her, even if I can’t be with you while you do it. It’s what I owe her,” she proclaimed, her other hand over her heart. “I just want you to promise me something in return.”

“What is it?” he asked, words tinged with a nervous edge. He hadn’t been able to hold himself to the last promise he made her, and guilt still rolled in his stomach, sharp as a tack.

“No more lies. No more secrets. Just the two of us, again.”

Without hesitation, Jowan gently freed his hand from her grasp, taking it in a firm shake. “No more secrets,” he promised. “As long as you tell me everything about what’s happened to you since we last saw each other, first.”

Her real smile, he knew, was the rarest, most wondrous thing in the world when it happened, and he felt it warming him down to his toes. “Deal.”

\-----

They came to a fork in the road the next morning. Camp packed, a night of fitful, restless sleep under the watchful eye of all of Aliena’s companions, and Jowan prepared to head his separate way. The refugees he’d saved had all packed, and he was ready to make his way back on the road again. It sprawled out in front of him, long and stretching. He would find a way to free Lily, to make himself worthy of her forgiveness. Aliena's promise warmed itself in the palm of his hand, radiating heat to the touch.

_“Here. Before you go, I want you to take this.”_

_“Jewelry? Why are you giving me a necklace?”_

_“You gave it to me. I’m just returning it.”_

_“I-I’m sorry? Come again? I’ve never given you anything like this before.”_

_“It’s a long story. Just… think of it as a promise. Maybe not now, but I’ll see you again. And I’ll help you save Lily, I swear it.”_

She had said an apparition of him had given the silver pendant to her, and the metal thrummed with energy - not just the raw power of the Fade, but threaded with _her_ power. Strong, enduring power that had held him up for so long. He might not have needed it to keep himself standing anymore, but he felt it fuel him.

Once he started, for once, he didn't look back. He didn't need to. Even if she hadn't said those words as she placed it into her palm, their paths always seemed to connect again.

_Till we meet again, friend._

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I'm maybe only one of a dozen people in this fandom that actually likes Jowan, lmao. This was written ages ago; only got around to posting it now. Thanks to Toshi_Nama for beta-ing way back when I started this, you're seriously the best.


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